Last night I had a bout of the ol' BBC - Bad Brain Chemistry. It's my cyclothymia, with the OCD tendencies thrown in, flaring up that has caused my a helluva lot of grief.
OCD involves one or both of obsessions (thoughts) and compulsions (acts). If you have a racing mind where you just cannot stop thinking about something, and it is not a pleasurable thing, the constant wondering, wondering, wondering . . . then you may have OCD tendencies. This does not mean you're washing your hands constantly or counting parking meters as you walk by - any disorder can be manifested in different ways and OCD is no exception.
It really sucks when you cannot keep your mind from racing. If an obsession got stuck in a perpetual loop with me, it was miserable. I knew it was irrational, but when it grabs hold, it becomes its own scary reality. Hmmm, So-and-so looked at me funny when I told them that I couldn't do that favor for them. They probably think that I am an idiot. They are probably at home now, laughing at the dinner table, telling everybody what an idiot I am. Because I am an idiot. So I think I will do - right now! - x, y, and z to prove to them that I am not an idiot. No wait, I can't do x, y, and z, that's crazy, So let me rewind this nutty looping tape and obsess on how they are feeling, even though that is pure speculation on my part, and play over and over in my mind how they looked at me funny and find more "clues" that prove to me that they think I'm an idiot, and think up new ways to prove to them how I am not, no matter how crazy . . .
See how insidious it is? There were times I dreaded going to bed at night because I knew the tape would start running and I would be playing a thought over and over and over - and I didn't want to. That is the key factor with OCD: people think giving in to the obsessions and compulsions are a relief. They are not. They are painful.
Fortunately, I finally went to see a mental health professional. God bless her, she got me off the medication that another doctor had me on, based on an improper diagnosis at that, and into some cognitive therapy. The therapist talked to me about my "from 0 to catastrophe in 20 seconds" way of thinking. Using a yard stick as a guide, most people hover around the middle - versus someone like me who can be pushed very quickly to either end (despair or euphoria). It was time, she said, to put up a sign that the toxic dump was closed - we used that metaphor because I had a tendency to assume the problems of others, as well as my own, rather than keeping some - if not most - at arm's length.
An so she recommended to me a way of dealing with when I get these messages from the brain that push me towards the extremes based upon the work done by psychologist Jeffrey Schwartz at UCLA. Dealing with OCD, he discovered that cognitive therapy could allow one's mind to overcome the brain. His book, Brain Lock, has been instrumental in learning how to deal with my obsessions.
OCD involves one or both of obsessions (thoughts) and compulsions (acts). If you have a racing mind where you just cannot stop thinking about something, and it is not a pleasurable thing, the constant wondering, wondering, wondering . . . then you may have OCD tendencies. This does not mean you're washing your hands constantly or counting parking meters as you walk by - any disorder can be manifested in different ways and OCD is no exception.
It really sucks when you cannot keep your mind from racing. If an obsession got stuck in a perpetual loop with me, it was miserable. I knew it was irrational, but when it grabs hold, it becomes its own scary reality. Hmmm, So-and-so looked at me funny when I told them that I couldn't do that favor for them. They probably think that I am an idiot. They are probably at home now, laughing at the dinner table, telling everybody what an idiot I am. Because I am an idiot. So I think I will do - right now! - x, y, and z to prove to them that I am not an idiot. No wait, I can't do x, y, and z, that's crazy, So let me rewind this nutty looping tape and obsess on how they are feeling, even though that is pure speculation on my part, and play over and over in my mind how they looked at me funny and find more "clues" that prove to me that they think I'm an idiot, and think up new ways to prove to them how I am not, no matter how crazy . . .
See how insidious it is? There were times I dreaded going to bed at night because I knew the tape would start running and I would be playing a thought over and over and over - and I didn't want to. That is the key factor with OCD: people think giving in to the obsessions and compulsions are a relief. They are not. They are painful.
Fortunately, I finally went to see a mental health professional. God bless her, she got me off the medication that another doctor had me on, based on an improper diagnosis at that, and into some cognitive therapy. The therapist talked to me about my "from 0 to catastrophe in 20 seconds" way of thinking. Using a yard stick as a guide, most people hover around the middle - versus someone like me who can be pushed very quickly to either end (despair or euphoria). It was time, she said, to put up a sign that the toxic dump was closed - we used that metaphor because I had a tendency to assume the problems of others, as well as my own, rather than keeping some - if not most - at arm's length.
An so she recommended to me a way of dealing with when I get these messages from the brain that push me towards the extremes based upon the work done by psychologist Jeffrey Schwartz at UCLA. Dealing with OCD, he discovered that cognitive therapy could allow one's mind to overcome the brain. His book, Brain Lock, has been instrumental in learning how to deal with my obsessions.
The book describes self-therapy that has four steps to dealing with OCD. They are described in more detail here, but there are (1) to relabel and recognize that it is an obsessive thought; (2) to reattribute and recognize that the obsession comes from a chemical imbalance, not "looniness" or sinfulness; (3) to refocus and put in the effort (because it is not easy) to shift the focus to something real and more productive; and (4) to revalue and through repeated application of Steps 1 through 3, get better at placing the obsession where it ought to be - in the garbage. It's trash and the sooner it gets cleaned out, the better.
I am getting better at following these four steps. I am still new at it, but for once I can fall asleep at night without the aid of some pharmaceutical. Mind you, this therapy does not make the obsessions and compulsions go away. They won't. Like my myopia or my son's hypothyroidism, I have a medical condition that I just have to deal with - and this is the way that works the best.
So give me a break and give me some patience. As well as for yourself.
Proclaim your rarity.
- Og Mandino
I am getting better at following these four steps. I am still new at it, but for once I can fall asleep at night without the aid of some pharmaceutical. Mind you, this therapy does not make the obsessions and compulsions go away. They won't. Like my myopia or my son's hypothyroidism, I have a medical condition that I just have to deal with - and this is the way that works the best.
So give me a break and give me some patience. As well as for yourself.
Proclaim your rarity.
- Og Mandino
2 comments:
Wow! This was a GREAT post that I'm so glad I just stumbled upon! It is exactly what I go through. To a T. My doctor and therapist call it "ruminating thoughts." I tried medication, too, and it made me WORSE. Like, thoughts-of-the-car-running-in-the-garage worse. It's great (that sounds bad...haha!) to read that other people worry so much about what others think and speculate so thoroughly on what others are thinking about me. Thanks for the links and I'll be sure to look up the book and talk it out with my therapist! Keep on keepin' on!
Wow! This was a great post for me to stumble onto today! I have never heard anyone else describe exactly what I go through! On my "bad" days, I completely over-think everything I say or do or think about doing and I thoroughly speculate about what others think about me and what they say about me - and it's rarely anything flattering. Thanks for the link to the book and I'll be sure to look it up and discuss it with my therapist, who calls what I do in my cyclothymia "ruminating". Keep on keepin' on!
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