This is the time of the year when Catholics go schizophrenic, or manic depressive, or bipolar, or name anyone one or more disorders in their approach to this season.
See, because we got a deadline, man. We're suppose to be getting ready and being holy and shit in time for Easter. And no one captures that nuttiness better than Simcha Fisher:
[T]hings suddenly got weird yesterday, starting with an epidemic of poor forehead hygiene among Catholic co-workers. If you did the polite thing by licking your thumb and trying to clean off that smudge, you may not have been properly rewarded for your solicitous behavior. You may even have been swatted at. This is because Wednesday was an official Cranky Day of the Church, when Catholics are hungry, and feeling guilty for not hiding it better.
So we do things . . . like make a promise to pray two . . . no, wait, three, yeah three Rosaries a day because, you know, like three is a meaningful number. And I will do something forty times, or maybe I will put $40 aside for almsgiving.
Thank God, she has given us a handy guide, to explain such behavior:
WEIRD BEHAVIOR: Your Facebook friend’s wall has suddenly become manic depressive, featuring, in the span of twenty minutes, a picture of a chubby, smiling baby trying to deal with a bowl of spaghetti; a prayer beseeching the Savior to hide us within His torn and bleeding heart; a funny joke where Kathleen Sebelius is photoshopped to look like a Dalek; an extremely detailed painting of The Scourging at the Pillar, and a notice that Ashley has posted a pin to Pinterest (coffee filter lampshade).
EXPLANATION: Your friend feels guilty for not giving up Facebook for Lent, and is attempting to make up for it by using social media as a tool of the new evangelization; i.e. creeping everyone out.
WEIRD BEHAVIOR: Your friend stubs his toe and shouts, “FU . . .mble!!! I fumbled, there. Ow, boy, gee, my toe hurts like a son of a biscuit!” Or if someone cuts him off in traffic, he snarls, “Nice driving, shi . . . ihh . . . into monk. You drive like a SHINTO MONK, you know that?”
EXPLANATION: Your friend has given up swearing.
Damn it, I said I was going to give up swearing! Son of a bi . . .!!!
WEIRD BEHAVIOR: Your friend suddenly won’t talk to you at all.
EXPLANATION: Your friend has given up hanging around with jerks. Or, no, your friend has given up spending time with his favorite people! Boy, he probably misses you a lot. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
Okay, that really happened and it isn't funny - still heart broken, but I can use Lent to offer it up. And let God handle the other person, if not now, at some time when He asks for an accounting.
Anyway, it's a funny article and enjoy it. Now if you will excuse me, I need to tighten up my cilice and throw out the items in my liquor cabinet . . . no, wait, I'll pour out the bottles while singing "This Little Light o' Mine", because if that isn't mortification, I just don't know what is!
And, as of RIGHT NOW - no more CUSSIN'!
SHINTO!
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