Depression with saying goodbye

I hate depression.  It is something that has been a problem with me since my teen years.  And I want to write this posting to help me deal with it.

It is now the end of January and I am glad for that.  It means the holidays are over.  Christmas this year was very hard for me.  In addition to dealing with celebrating it in a new place and a new home, a friend of mine died at the beginning of December, and the holiday only accentuated my loss.

I miss him.  He was a fun-loving and gentle soul, and he lit up a room for me whenever he came into it.  I can not remmeber a time when I was not happy to see him, even when we had our diffierences.  He taught me lessons in kidnness and goodness.  I remember how I had reason to see him last Valentine's Day and unexpectedly he had three carnations for me, which simply delighted me - I thought it so chivalrous and gentlemanly! I loved him dearly, not in a romantic way, but as someone whom I wished had been my sibling growing up.  I love him still.

I could not attend the funeral, as there wasn't any.  And there is no grave to visit.  The worst thing is I know the circumstances behind his death, and for the sake of him and his family, I cannot say anything, except to my priest.

People will offer advice, such as "cherish the memories."  I cannot right now as it is too painful.  I know that with time I will be able to say goodbye - or, really, accept the fact that I have had to do so.  That person is no longer here; he is absent and the past will not stretch into the future.  Time heals all wounds, but that is not completely true; it simply makes them tolerable.  I can accept that, because should I ever look upon this loss with apathy, without some emotion, then I have ceased to be.

I attended a mediation training session today and wa happy to still see sun in the sky when I emerged from the building shortly after five o'clock.  It helps to know that Spring is coming.  Springtime is when I was born, and while I say Christmas is a joyous time, Easter has been for me to be simply glorious.  I find great hope in Christ's Resurrection and I hope this Easter will see one for my friend, not the person he was, but transformed.  Last Easter was a difficult time for me, as I suffered through what I called "Holy Weak" (misspelling intentional) with undiagnosed bipolar disorder.  My medication right now may need to be changed, as the night time is bringing its demons again, but I am hoping it is circumstantial, dealing as I am with the death of my friend.

I am writing this to be a catharsis for me, hence why I am not allowing comments here. If you happen to read this, pray for me to withstand the loss and pray for my friend's soul - you don't need a name, God knows him.