Ladies, gentlemen, religious, and heretics alike - good evening!
[Wait for applause to die down]
No, no, please, you're too kind, far too kind . . .
I am deeply honored and humbled by the award of Most Bat Shit Crazy Blog in the 2010 Cannonball Catholic Blog Awards.
[Wave hands to calm down the audience when a cacapohony of more applause erupts]
I know, I know - we are all grateful to Kat - the Crescat herself - who originated these awards. And I am especially grateful to her for her vision of creating the category of Most Bat Shit Crazy for herself, figuring no one could come along and snatch that away from her. But hey, no hard feelings, eh, Kat? As they say, better luck next year!
[Point her out as laughter ripples around the room]
But we love ya, we really do . . .
[Lower voice to suggest gravity of next words, stare directly out at audience]
These awards, though, occur with the tinge of scandal. I am not referring to any scandal in the church - rather, there was talk that some contestants engaged in the sale of indulgences as a means of garnering votes. I stand before you tonight to say, unequivocally, The Digital Hairshirt did not sink to such depths. Maybe Orthometer. But not the Digital Hairshirt.
[Pause, then allow smile to come across face]
Hey, but we're celebrating tonight, aren't we? And in this joy, I wish to thank certain people.
[Put on fake reading glasses for scholarly look and shuffle papers]
First and foremost, I'd like to thank God. At the end of the Super Bowl, who gets thanked? God. At the end of the World Series, who is it? God. At the Grammy awards, who gets first mention? God. What can we learn from this, folks? It's simple - GOD CHOOSES WINNERS!
[Raise award over head and pump it while doing best Howard Dean yell, remembering to scream loudly enough to be heard over the thunderous applause]
I would like to thank my husband, Mark, for his patience and support as I strove to reach new heights of bat shit crazy. It was hard on him, learning as he has to sleep with one eye open, but he was always there. Thank you, honey, you're the best!
[Point at him the audience as he rises to acknowledge the applause]
And to my BFF, Mariana! Where are you, Liar, stand up and let 'em look at you! What the hell am I saying, God bless you! The Liar, everyone!
[As a joke, have Mariana seated in a wheelchair for an injection of Bidenesque humor]
A lot of people wondered how I managed to come from behind, forced as I was by Kat who opened voting purposely while I was away in New York in an effort to wrest the title from me. Come from behind? I left her eating my dust with over 100 points in the lead! But I could not have done it without some very special folks in four separate areas:
First, to my fellow classmates at Cardinal Spellman High School. You see, we have a private, "members only" page for the class of 1978, where I posted instructions as to how they could get in 3 votes each day. You could only vote once per day but not per person - PER ISP. So if you have a work computer, a home computer, and an iPhone, there's three votes in one day. Exponential, baby! Thank you to folks like Meesh, Laura, Ed, Trish - all of you, I love you all!
Second, to the fellow right-wing birthers clinging to their guns and religion over at the kingdom of Sondrakistan at sondrak.com. The porch minkees rule and when Head Missy instructs them to vote, they do so as an unstoppable bloc! I have twice been a grateful recipient of their keyboard clicks and Sondra's blog remains a home away from home. Plus, she owns a corgi! In fact, two!
[Pause and laugh as the audience claps in unabashed appreciation of corgis]
Third, I have to thank that lovely gentleman, the Buzz Bannister, Private Eye - John Kuntz, who made sure that everyone over at The Friendly Tavern got the vote out for me. Okay, maybe not indulgences, but I think I did promise to find a comely Goth wench for GothGuy, and extra ammo for Cuchieddie and Melissa. But it worked! And I thank them. Now, if anyone knows a lady with a penchant for tats and black clothing, call me. Cloven tongue gets a bonus - nothing like giving new meaning to the term "bi-lingual"! Hey, Mary Ellen!
Finally, to my fellow Sanjoseneros and Joe Mamas, the fine folk of St. Joseph Church and School. Sure, my blog got my poor pastor accosted at a Mass by some diocesan thugs because of something I wrote, and I hear they're planning a blanket party for him at this year's priest retreat, but hey! Anything to be pastoral! And the rest of you, like Trish and Imelda and Leanne! Great people! Great church! Great school!
[Stand back and smile beatifically as the audience erupts in unrestrained cheering]
Folks, folks, please . . . please . . . no, thank you, you're so kind, thank you . . . I will end by thanking Kat once again and say, I shall wear this award proudly and let the world know - I AM THE MOST BAT SHIT CRAZY! God bless you all, have a great year until the next voting!
[Crowd now goes bat shit crazy and while they do, stand and podium and smile and wave, occasionally doing the Richard Nixon double-peace sign. Continue waving as house lights dim and Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" starts playing . . .]
Sunday, May 16, 2010
My Acceptance Speech
As posted on my Facebook: