For the Star Wars Geeks

If I made fun of the Trekkies yesterday, I guess I have to make fun of the Star Wars geeks today.

Admit it - you'd buy the album just for the cover art alone.

California Wildfires

A relative or a friend from Back East will inevitably ask, "Aren't you afraid of the earthquakes out in California?" As locals know, the earthquakes remain low on the list of things to worry about. The biggest risk remains fire.

The two firefighters were killed when they drove off the side of a treacherous road in the Mt. Gleason area, south of Acton, around 2:30 p.m., said Los Angeles County Deputy Fire Chief Mike Bryant. They were later identified as Arnaldo Quinones, 35, of Palmdale and Tedmund Hall, 47, of San Bernardino County.

As many people here know, a wildfire lives up to its name by being capricious. You do not have to live near a dry foothill to be at risk. Thankfully, right now the Santa Ana winds are not blowing but when they are, they can carry a glowing ember miles away from a fire and start a "flare up" well within a residential neighborhood.

More than 12,500 homes were threatened and 6,600 were under mandatory evacuation orders Sunday night. Eighteen residences have been destroyed, fire officials said, mostly in the Big Tujunga Canyon area.

I get nervous during fire season. But I also start thinking about preparation. What would I grab if I had 15 minutes at best to get the hell outta Dodge? I can understand why some people stay - last year's fires in Orange County showed that even a fully-staffed squadron can be outdone by the sheer volume of a fire storm, so some people realized that it was up to them to save their homes.

"We started thinking smart and came up with a plan," said Greg Lievense, 54, an engineer at the nearby Jet Propulsion Laboratory. One neighbor began stockpiling ladders and flashlights. The group organized into three-member teams and agreed no one would be alone through the emergency. "We broke up into 'ember shifts' " Lievense said, with each group taking turns peering into the eaves and backyards of their neighbors, searching for glowing embers or flames and responding if possible. They developed an emergency signal -- three long honks of a car horn -- which would mean that a home was on fire or that they would all have to leave, he said.

Pray for the two fallen firefighters, pray for their comrades still battling this blaze, pray for the residents affected.

Look here at this time lapse video of the fire. The buildings in the background are downtown Los Angeles.

Prayer for the Firefighters

Los Angeles County lost two of their bravest this afternoon, fighting the Station Fire in the San Gabriel Mountains.

Young and agedvolunteer and career,

man and woman

of all races and colors,

you left aching hearts behind
An eternal flame

warms your names

inscribed on cold, lifeless plaques

around this stone cairn

In the hearts you left behind

your memories abide

in undying gratitude
You asked nothing more

You knew the risks,

served without fear

and paid the highest price
You embody a quality

of which many only dream

Your selflessness for others

is now your eternal crown
O fallen comrades,

give us all this quality

that we may more fittingly

prolong your memory

-- inscribed on the National Fallen Firefighters Memorial

You Can't Make This Up, Folks

On August 23rd, Cynthia McKinney, former US Congresswoman and member of the Free Gaza movement, gave a talk at the San Francisco Lunacy Theater.

Oh, hell yeah . . .

Trekkies Need Intervention

Yeah. You can go too far.

If that dog killed its owner in his sleep, I'd adopt it.

I Bet Some People Will Miss the Dogs More

Sen. Ted Kennedy (D-Mass.) was years ahead of the curve when it came to Take Your Dog to Work Day. The constant presence of his three Portuguese water dogs in his Russell building office helped humanize their owner and brought a sense of fun to a workplace known for rules and formalities.

Now, lobbyists, staffers and other Hill dwellers say they mourn not only the passing of Kennedy but also he end of a unique chapter in Capitol Hill’s canine history. With their black curly hair, floppy ears and bouncy gait, Kennedy’s dogs became a part of the lawmaker’s nearly 47-year Hill tenure.

Why are the dogs gone? Did they bury them with their master in the style of the Pharoah?

Oh, geez, get another dog, will ya? Stop this friggin' "mourning." I'll bet there's some staffer thinking, "I may be outta a job, but at least I'm not scooping up s**t anymore."

Must be another slow news day . . .

The Mass Is No Place for Politics

And especially a funeral Mass.

Mr. Kennedy’s grandchildren offered intercession prayers as part of the Eucharist. One, Max Allen, the 12-year-old son of his daughter Kara, used Mr. Kennedy’s words to plead for passage of universal health care legislation, “for what my grandpa called the cause of his life, as he said so often: in every part of this land, that every American will have decent quality health care as a fundamental right and not a privilege.”

By the way, I am curious to know - who picked up the tab to fly the body (and presuambly, his family) from Boston to Washington D.C.?

I gotta admit, though - I would have liked to listen to Placido Domingo sing Panis Angelicus.

Getting in Shape

I'm eating right and exercising regularly. When I reach my goal, which one shall I go for? I like "Man Bait" but I'm not quite sure what the "Sinful Secret" is, except for maybe extraneous mammaries . . .

Saturday Grocery Shopping

Is it so wrong of me to buy the cheap stuff, just for the thrill?

Your Dad Had a Pair!

And you Mom goes to college!

(Points to the first to identify the cultural reference in my last sentence)

It's Saturday

And I'm thinking about going to the range today. At least it's indoors and got air conditioning. But first I gotta get my nails done. A woman's gotta look good for her man, right?

A Catholic's Reflection on Ted Kennedy

This was sent to me by my friend, Buzz Bannister:

We must, as a matter of precept, pray for the salvation of heretical Catholics like Senator Edward Kennedy, but we do not have to praise him let alone extol him with the full honors of a public Catholic funeral and all the adulation that attends such an event. There was very little about Ted Kennedy's life that deserves admiration from a spiritual or moral point of view. He was probably the worst example of a Catholic statesman that one can think of. When all is said and done, he has distorted the concept of what it means to be a Catholic in public life more than anyone else in leadership today. Obviously we don't know the state of Senator Edward Kennedy's soul upon death. We don't pretend to. We are told by the family that he had the opportunity to confess his sins before a priest, and his priest has said publicly he was at peace when he died. For that we are grateful. But it is one thing to confess one's sins and for these matters to be kept, rightfully, private. It is another thing entirely for one who so consistently and publicly advocated for the destruction of unborn human beings to depart the stage without a public repudiation of these views, a public confession, as it were.

It is up to God to judge Senator Kennedy's soul. We, as rational persons, must judge his actions, and his actions were not at all in line with one who values and carefully applies Church teaching on weighty matters. Ted Kennedy's positions on a variety of issues have been a grave scandal for decades, and to honor this "catholic" champion of the culture of death with a Catholic funeral is unjust to those who have actually paid the price of fidelity.

We now find out that President Obama will eulogize the Senator at his funeral, an indignity which, following on the heels of the Notre Dame fiasco, leaves faithful Catholics feeling sullied, desecrated and dehumanized by men who seem to look for opportunities to slap the Church in the face and do so with impunity simply because they have positions of power. It is not enough for Kennedy to have been a "great guy behind the scenes" as we have seen him referred to even by his political opponents. It is also not praiseworthy to put a Catholic rhetorical veneer on his leftist politics that did nothing to advance true justice as the Church sees it or to advance the peace of Christ in this world. Every indication of Senator Kennedy's career, every public appearance, every sound bite showed an acerbic, divisive and partisan political hack for whom party politics were much more infallible than Church doctrines. Whatever one's political affiliation, if one is only "Catholic" to the extent that his faith rhymes with his party line, then his Catholicism is a fraud.

As the Scriptures remind us, there is a time for everything under the sun. This, now, is the time for honesty about our Faith and about those who are called to express it in the public forum. If we do not remind ourselves of the necessity of public confession for public sins such as Senator Kennedy was guilty of, then we are negligent in our embrace of the Faith and we are part of the problem. As Pope Benedict has reminded us recently, charity without truth can easily become mere sentimentality, and we must not fall into that error. A Catholic show of charity for the family must not eclipse the truth that is required of all with eyes to see and ears to hear.

Senator Kennedy needs to be sent to the afterlife with a private, family-only funeral and the prayers of the Church for the salvation of his immortal soul. He will not be missed by the unborn who he betrayed time and time again, nor by the rest of us who are laboring to undo the scandalous example of Catholicism that he gave to three generations of Americans.

Personal Responsibility

The Jacksons issued a statement following the coroner's release: "The Jackson family again wishes to commend the actions of the Coroner, the LAPD and other law enforcement agencies, and looks forward to the day that justice can be served."

Michael Jackson's detah was ruled to be "officially" a homicide. I'm not convinced. To what extent is he responsible for permitting a doctor to pump him full of whatever drugs he wanted, because Michael couldn't sleep? I believe that if Michael's doctor had said, "I am going to give you Propofol and Lorazepam now," Michael would have replied, "Go right ahead," and the matter would be done. His doctor was negligent, surely, but Michael also brought about his own lifetyle where he finally died with Propofol, Lorazepam, Midazolam, Diazepam, Lidocaine and Ephedrine were present in his body.

As for the family, do not even speak of justice. They should ask themselves about the injustice they visited upon their loved one when no one stepped in to intervene. Are they claiming they knew nothing about Michael's habits? Bah. They were willing to turn a blind eye so long as money was available.

Is There Any Depression Glass?

No, I'm not too embarrassed . . .

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is hoping that the "Great California Garage Sale" will turn government clutter like surplus prison uniforms and office furniture into cash to bulk up the state's depleted finances.

State officials estimate the giant two-day yard sale being held at a state warehouse will bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars. In addition to clearing out office products, the state is also selling unclaimed property from state parks and items confiscated by law enforcement, said California Department of General Services spokesman Eric Lamoureux.

"This is a win-win for the state and for shoppers," Schwarzenegger said in a statement Tuesday announcing that a selection of items also would be sold on eBay and Craigslist. "Together we are eliminating waste and providing great deals in this tough economy."

Schwarzenegger also has autographed 15 car visors in an effort to fetch more money during the sale Friday and Saturday.

Autographed car visors . . . I know!

Next month, I hear we're having a bake sale.

I Saw "The Deer Hunter." It Was . . . Hilarious!

I was admonished earlier for taking what one commentator called a "dig" at Ted Kennedy, by pondering what the weather was like in the senator's proximity.

I am not sorry that I did.

Watch now as I expect this YouTube to be taken down soon. You cannot let truth stand in the way of hagiography.

Points to whomever catches the reference in the title of this posting.

C'est Bizarre

C'mon, you do drugs. You know you do drugs. And when you do drugs, sometimes those old Scooby Doo reruns with Jonathan Winters guest-starring aren't on, so here is something instead for you to watch.

Now try geeting that out of your head all day . . .

The Cult Widens

It had to happen. And last night I just saw the new commercial with its disco beat. Now I know why. Click on the picture above for a somewhat NSFW explanation.

Kennedy Redux

Why all the concern as to how Ted Kennedy's seat is filled? Whether by interim appointment or special election, is there any doubt that the same model will be sent from Massachusetts? Ted was the pork and he brought home the pork, and the people there liked the pork, and he kept getting voted in, so I do not see any real changes coming from that state.

Obscure Music Friday

Song: The Night Chicago Died

Artist: Paper Lace

Why This Song Today: Because it starts off in the heat of a summer night, and it's HOT right now in Southern California. AndI felt like a little 70's cheese.

Lest Some of Us Forget

Many thanks to my friend, SondraK, for putting the CIA Inspector General's criticism in perspective.

I say, let's threaten to boycott al-Qaeda and Whole Foods - that oughta scare 'em!

Flannery is My FB Friend

Although quite dead, Flannery O'Connor is alive and well on Facebook. Here is her post from yesterday:

"I frequently disagree with priests who get themselves printed in various places but generally it's not with the contents but the tone. My mind is usually at ease, but my sensibilities seldom so. Smugness is the Great Catholic Sin. I find it in myself and I don't dislike it any less."

--Letter, 1/17/56

I was meant to be eccentric and Southern . . .

Ready to Do Battle

Anti-abortion groups are gearing up for a battle in the fall over health-care legislation, another headache for Democrats who already face concerns about the measure's cost and reach.

Most versions of the Democratic health plan would create subsidies for lower-income people to buy private health insurance. If that insurance includes coverage for abortion, as many existing private plans do, it effectively means federal taxpayers are subsidizing abortion, critics of the legislation argue.

This is no surprise. And using my tax dollars for something that is so inimical to my faith just creates a violation of my 1st Amendment right to practice my faith.

Tell you what, all those liberal celebutards (thank for Fr. E. for adding that to my vocabulary) can have a "Pay for an Abortion" Telethon, okay? Oh wait, they support abortion but don't want to be that closely associated with it?

And now the ZDems are pulling a "do it for the Gipper" routine, saying that Congress needs to "do it for Ted" and pass Obamacare? The more I hear about that, the more I find myself missing Michael Jackson.

But That Kitchen is Still a Bitch to Deal With

“If your hair is relaxed, white people are relaxed,” the comedian Paul Mooney, sporting an Afro, says in the documentary “Good Hair,” which won a jury prize at the Sundance film festival and comes out in October. “If your hair is nappy, they’re not happy.”

Huh, I didn't know that about my Caucasian self. When I was an older camper at Camp Marydell, I was a junior counselor. One of our jobs was to make sure the youngest girls took their obligatory Saturday night shower. My camp was a Catholic one, all-girl, run by the Sisters of Christian Doctrine. It wasn't expensive and had a mixture of girls from New York City, which in the 70's meant we were all either White, Black, or Puerto Rican.

Moms being Moms, they sent us with industrial size containers of personal hygeine products - "just in case." Never mind what that meant, what it did mean was that on a Saturday night, I would have a line of little girls with wet heads, and various hair products, waiting for me to comb it out for them.

And the Black girls all seemed to favor Dixie Peach Pomade. I loved the smell of that stuff. I would grease their scalps for them, making sure to part the hair and get it in there, and then braid it up. The little White and Puerto Rican girls had the spray-on "detanglers" and I used a lot of that to work through stubnborn knots to make sure the hair lay smooth and damp across their shoulders.

All this time, and now I find out I was keeping the Black Women down!

To all those sweet baby girls . . . sorry.

The U.N. Lends a Hand

The United Nations is recommending that children as young as five receive mandatory sexual education that would teach even pre-kindergarteners about masturbation and topics like gender violence.

The U.N.'s Economic, Social and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) released a 98-page
report in June offering a universal lesson plan for kids ranging in age from 5-18, an"informed approach to effective sex, relationships" and HIV education that they say is essential for "all young people."

Turner was disturbed by UNESCO's plans to explain to children as young as nine about the safety of legal abortions, and to advocate and "promote the right to and access to safe abortion" for everyone over the age of 15.

I'm not going near that UNICEF box this Halloween. I don't know where it's been.

You know, to all you whackjob evangelical Christians who point to the Catholic Church as the likely source of hierarchy to establish a One World government for the reign of the Devil, have ya looked over on the eastside of New York City lately? Because if the hand of Satan is at work, I'm thinking his minions wear blue helmets.

Rest in Peace, Dominick Dunne

Unfortunately, his death will likely be eclipsed by the death of "Uncle Ted."

I have always admired his articles in Vanity Fair. He was a very decent man. Bronze Star winner in WWII and knew the tragedy of having a child murdered.

Rest in peace, good man.

How's the Weather Where You Are, Ted?

Just asking . . .

Oh, For Pity's Sake, People!

I have already admitted over on Facebook that I have a short fuse today, so sorry if you didn't get the warning there. But every once in awhile a thoroughbred has to kick out her stall.

Two things seem to inflame people: guns and Fritos. And if people catch a whiff that the government wants to regulate either, they cling bitterly to both (aliong with religion, seemingly, but that's another story).

I posted below about a proposed "sin tax" on junk food. If I did not make myself clear with my comments about the bureaucracy it would create (since one man's junk food is another's daily bread), let me make myself clear: I do not support such a tax. I don't want the State regulating my health. If someone wants to spend more of their hard-earned dollars (or hell, even welfare dollars, which is why I give to winos because if I need a buzz now and then and I've got a home, then they probably could use one even more) on a vending machine than at their local grocers, great - just have the decency to avoid wearing spandex in public. If Gary Busey et. al. want to leave their brains along a stretch of interstate because they don't like motorcycle helmets, fine - just have the decency not to wipe out during rush hour and spoil my commute. If someone wants to smoke crack until no teeth are left and their face is more pockmarked than the surface of Mars after an asteroid shower, super - just stay out there in Fontucky, will ya?

First of all, as much as you gnash your teeth, taxes will be with us. Taxation, in general, is needed. I enjoy drving on paved roads and I want to see our military earn a paycheck. And you know what, government interference is not always a bad thing - it is good to see nutritional information on the sides of boxes and cans, rather than live in, say, a large unnamed country to the immediate south of us where I can use a small child from Tijuana as a shield during dental check-ups for the amount of lead in his/her little cuerpo from all the candy produced down there.

But if the tax be imposed upon the "junk food", yea, although we liketh it not, then I sayeth smite the manufacturers and perhaps they shall see the error of their ways, and lo, they shall marketeth new products of wholesomeness upon the Lord's people.

Because frankly, folks, I can't trust us (and I am throwing myself in there) to be the market drivers here. We are getting fat and/or hormonally imbalanced from all the sugar-honey-iced-tea (that's "shit" for the slow on the uptake) put in foods. And we don't seem to mind. We buy our kids Lunchables and we pop that Lean Cuisine into the microwave and we scarf down the fat-free Newtons without giving any thought to reading the labels . . . because it's fast and convenient.

And we need that convenience! Because we are so "overwhelmed" and if people just understand how stressed out we are, they would see why my microwave is so important to meeeeeeeeee . . . and they'd also understand why I can't put on a dress to go to church (it's toooo hooooottttt) and why I had that affair (she wasn't fulfilling meeeeeeeee) and so on, and so on.

And I am guilty as charged. I mean, sure, I could take a longer walk with my dogs and the kids, but Good Eats is on!

Guns are your right . . . Fritos are your luxury. If you want to compromise your health (and note I said compromise, not ruin, because such a luxury is a good thing now and then to enhance our lives, but like it or not, it will always come at a price, no matter how small), don't fall into the mindset that you're doing it to show that damn nanny state a thing or two . . . you're eating it because you like it.

Weren't Chest Hairs Good Enough for You Guys?

Young men who contract sexually transmitted diseases often view their afflictions as an affirmation of their manhood, a new Swedish study shows.

With other male friends slapping on the shoulders and offering encouraging comments about “success with the ladies”, young men who contract diseases such as chlamydia or genital warts can come to view their infection as a badge of honour, rather than a serious health problem.

Reminds me of the comic who opened his act by saying, "I got me two six-year-old boys." And then added, with a sly grin, "And they ain't twins . . ."

Hell in a handbasket, people . . .

I Hear He Has a Helluva Handicap

On a related note - our receptionist just returned from visiting family in Scotland. She said that most locals with whom she spoke are outraged over the release of the bomber.

What the . . .?

Junk Tax

Junk-food taxes are often mentioned as a way to help fund a restructuring of the healthcare system, though no one in Congress has endorsed them.The notion is catching on with the general public, however. A Kaiser Family Foundation poll last month found that 55% of respondents favored a tax on unhealthful snack foods, up from 52% in April. Support for a soda tax rose to 53% from 46%.

But there's a problem . . .

Junk-food taxes are also unfair, because the poor would be hardest hit, said fiction writer Julie Cochrane of Marshall, Va.: "I am not about to raise taxes on a single mom scraping by on a low-wage job." Still, the logic of a junk-food tax seems clear. Fattening foods tend to be cheap, and fresh produce and lean cuts of meat are often the priciest. A tax could help offset that imbalance, nudging people to eat more of what they should and less of what they shouldn't.

Not to mention the problem of creating more bureaucracy over a bag of Cheetos. And expect new legislation because, after all, what constitutes "junk food?" Would you consider a bag of potato chips to be junk food? If I buy a Hostess Ding Dong, and then go to an upscale Sprinkles cucpcake bakery, isn't it really one in the same?

I don't think the American diet of the past was all that healthy. People sat down to dinner with a lot of fats present - real butter and bread, and dinner was usually followed by a dessert. However, a lot of those calories were offset by activity and - and I think this is key - the food was not processed. Shelf-life on an item was limited, which means you had to go shopping more often. And because of the lack of globalization, people ate seasonally - sorry, no tangerines until Christmas.

So here's my proposal - tax the manufacturers. If you make a food with cheap high fructose corn syrup or added preservatives, you get taxed. Sure, they will raise the cost of the product but I am willing to bet that eventually one manufacturer will compete by making a product without it and one that people will buy more often because it won't last as long.

Does that sound crazy? Why wouldn't manufacturers make a product that lasted instead of one that - as natural foods do - begin to "go bad" forcing the consumer to either eat it or let it go to waste, and then have to buy some more?

I like the advice of one author I read regarding nutrition: If it didn't come from the ground or it didn't have a mother - don't eat it.

That Old Black Magic

Sorry, couldn't help the pun . . .

The Obama White House is abuzz with talk of witchcraft by first grandmother, 72-year-old Marian Robinson, who lives in the White House residence. A close friend of Michelle Obama says the president is furious at his mother-in-law after learning that she was practicing Santeria, an African spirit cult, in the White House.

Supposedly this was originally posted on Townhall.com and picked up by the blog Wonkette. But now the link is not functiong on Townhall.com.

The president was “totally in favor” when his mother-in-law moved into the White House as a live-in babysitter for 11-year-old Malia and 8-year-old Sasha. Obama reportedly told Michelle that her mother will have to go back to Chicago if she does not “stop this witchcraft mumbo-jumbo immediately” and ordered the Secret Service to not allow Marian’s friend to return to the White House.

Well, yeah . . . I mean, have you ever tried to get rooster blood stains out of carpeting?! Let me tell you, it's no easy deal, although it does react far better to OxyClean than does human blood, ya betcha.

Wait . . . um . . . no, no, friends told me that. Heh. It's not like I have any experience with that, right?

Anyway, back to Mrs. Robinson . . . I say, hey, Obama - shut up, man. I the Taxpayer do not feel like paying for your daycare - it's pricey, dude - which youa re getting free from Mrs. Robinson. So what if the girls are kept up at night with a little chanting and whatnot?

DigiBook Review: Look, It's a 3-Legged Man!

How to Live with a Huge Penis:

Advice, Meditations, and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much

Oh, 'cmon . . . it's a curse to some.

And to others living in Van Nuys, California, it's a living.

As one customer mentioned in a review:

And all of the queries as to why I'm not doing porn get annoying. I TRIED doing porn once and accidentally smashed the camera when I was fully aroused and turned around too quickly. ...I also gave my leading lady a concussion, broke a window in the next room, and, well, impregnated 3 different women in a 5 block radius. It was a little mortifying.

The DigiLector

Today at Mass I was scheduled to assist as an Extraordinary Eucharistic Minister. However, when the scheduled Lector didn't show up, the sacristan had me do that, since I am also a Lector at my church.

Ah, I thought, we have St. Paul's "famous" admonition to the women to be subordinate to their husbands in the second reading.

I read the first part in my usual "calmly moderated" Lector voice.

Then paused.

And then . . .

Husbands! Love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church!

The smirk left many a man's face, I noted. I was told after Mass that there was a bit of nudging going on in the pews, the wives digging their elbows into their husbands' ribs to wake him up to that part. And a few women came up afterwards to let me know, they liked my emphasis.

I love my Church!

Don't Be Fooled! It's "40 Days for Life!"

As a person of faith, I support health care reform, and I'm tired of shouting, disruptions and distortions preventing an honest debate.

Over the next 40 days, I commit to doing my part as a person of faith to promote health care reform. I commit to taking actions like writing my representatives, attending events, and telling my friends about our efforts to make the faith community a positive force for health care reform.

Der Teufel ist ein Egoist . . .

The pledge above comes from Obama's "40 Days for Health Reform" - don't sign it! This is about Obama wanting to divide and conquer by causing rifts in various churches.

I was at a meeting today for the upcoming 40 Days for Life - which is all about protecting the most vulnerable members of our society, the unborn. GET BEHIND THAT! Get your parish involved. Get outside an abortion mill and bring down the Spirit on the site.

Mom Says No

A Nebraska man who stole a painting of the Virgin Mary to finance an abortion for a teen he raped has been convicted of first-degree sexual assault and felony theft.

Aurelio Vallerillo-Sanchez, 39, of Omaha pleaded no contest to the charges Friday and faces up to 70 years in prison when sentenced in October, Douglas County prosecutor Brenda Beadle said Saturday.

Beadle said Vallerillo-Sanchez fled to Mexico with the 300-year-old painting worth $100,000 and the pregnant teen in March 2007.

"The plan was that when they got to Mexico, she was to undergo an abortion," she said.

When an abortion wasn't possible, Vallerillo-Sanchez pushed to have the baby given up for adoption, Beadle said: "He wanted to do everything he could to get rid of this baby 'cause it was evidence against him."

The teen returned to Nebraska after giving birth, the prosecutor said.

The abortion was not procured - did he really expect to get away with it with The Blessed Virgin involved? Ha! Eedjut.

Color Blind

The state's first black governor yesterday blamed his political woes -- and those of President Obama -- on a white-dominated media that he accused of taking part in an "orchestrated" attack campaign.

"Even our own reporters from our own community buy the public line, which is, 'We're going to get rid of David Paterson.' "

Paterson cited critical stories about his late-night partying at a Chelsea nightclub on the eve of a painful budget announcement as proof of the media's bias.

"The next victim on the list -- and you see it coming -- is President Barack Obama, who did nothing more than try to reform a health-care system . . . only because he's trying to make change," Paterson said.

How about the people of New York just think you're doing a crappy job?

Queen for the Day . . . And All Days Thereafter

Sofia, Don't Be Like That

I saw this today at a local gas station in Santa Ana. Gotta wonder who came up with this advertising. If you are Spanish-impaired, the tag line on the bottom says, "What's bothering you? Say it with Cheetos Flaming Hot." Above, spelled out in Cheetos, is the message: "Javier -- Little Javier is not your son.-- Sofia"

Ai! That's harsh.

All the More Reason to Visit Arizona

Travel icon Arthur Frommer says he won't be spending his tourism dollars at the Grand Canyon, or anywhere else in Arizona, because the state's laws allow people he described as "thugs" and "extremists" to openly carry firearms.

The author of budget-travel guides said on his blog Wednesday that he was "shocked beyond measure" by reports that protesters openly carried guns and rifles outside a Phoenix building where President Barack Obama spoke on Monday.

No, but you can buy a Frommer's guide to L.A. and Detroit where someone could bust a cap on yo' ass anytime.

They wouldn't do it in Arizona, though. Because their, the citizens carry guuuuuuunnnnssssss!

Wait, didn't Obama just spend his tourism dollars at the Grand Canyon? Oh, that's right - he spent ours.

Never bought a Frommer's Guide - but as I am a "thug" and an "extremist", I don't expect to anytime soon. 'Sides, I get 'em free at AAA with my membership. And there's this thing called the Internet, Arthur . . .

Last Laugh

A former swimsuit model found naked and dead in a suitcase last weekend was identified by the serial number from her breast implants, a California district attorney's office spokeswoman said Friday.

Detectives were unable to identify 28-year-old Jasmine Fiore using fingerprints or dental records because her body had been disfigured, and was missing fingers and teeth, the spokeswoman, Farrah Emami, said.

More proof that criminals are dumb asses. I could see this idiot thinking, "I'll remove any means of identifying her . . . bwa ha ha ha ha ha!" Yeah, well, guess what, Skippy - in this case, she got the last laugh and it's titters.

Hunt this bastard down . . .

History Lesson

It was Bush's fault . . .

My Christmas Shopping Just Got a Whole Lot Easier

If America is going to embrace obesity, it might as well do it with style.

Thanks to The Ugly American - who is anything but - for this!

The Season's a-Changin'

Southern California has been warm but still unseasonably cooler than usual. Well, I am not complaining about that, and likely we will have the hot winds of the Santa Anas blowing in a few months, but when I stepped out into the pre-dawn dark rhis morning to walk the puppehs, I felt something in the air and thought, "Ah, I bet he's back."

Sure enough, there in the sky was Orion the Hunter, raising high his club. When he appears in late August, I know autumn will be here. For anyone sweltering right now, hang in there. Go out in the morning and look for Orion to keep your spirits up.

No One Expected This

*sarc*

The man convicted of murdering 270 people by blowing up Pan Am flight 103 over Lockerbie, Scotland, two decades ago received a boisterous welcome when his plane landed in his native Libya on Thursday.

A large crowd, waving flags and honking horns, greeted al Megrahi at the military airport in Tripoli.

Shit, I'm surprised there wasn't dancing in the streets now that the Scottish Justice Secretary basically said to the jihadist Muslims of the UK, "You won."

So, when will al Megrahi be invited to dinner at the White House the presidential palace to meet Qaddafi?

Obscure Music Friday

Song: Grace Kelly

Artist: Mika

Why I Like This Song: Because yesterday I went for a walk during lunch and it is late August and I work in Chino Hills and the temperature was in the 80's instead of the usual triple digits for that location and this time of the year. And this song played on my iPod.

A Match Made in Hell

WTF?

(sfw)

Farenheit 451

But if you go to the Brooklyn Public Library seeking a copy of “Tintin au Congo,” Hergé’s second book in a series, prepare to make an appointment and wait days to see the book.

“It’s not for the public,” a librarian in the children’s room said this month when a patron asked to see it.

The book, published 79 years ago, was moved in 2007 from the public area of the library to a back room where it is held under lock and key.

The move came after a patron objected, as others have, to the way Africans are depicted in the book. “The content is racially offensive to black people,’’ a librarian wrote on Form 286, also known as a Request for Reconsideration of Library Material.

There goes Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. Goodbye Flannery O'Connor. But I will bet you that you can check out rap DVDs, something to listen to when you need to slap yo' bitch for messin' up your crib and disrespectin' you.

So the Brooklyn library, like most others, routinely offers access on its shelves to hot-button works like Hitler’s “Mein Kampf,” or Henry Miller’s “Tropic of Capricorn,” which has a naked couple on its cover.

Happens Everytime Michelle Wears Shorts

For tourists at the Grand Canyon Sunday, the political star power of President Barack Obama and the First Family temporarily eclipsed the landmark's majestic natural beauty.

Big Love

John Edwards will move the mother of his love child into his North Carolina neighborhood so he can help raise their 18-month-old baby, the National Enquirer reported Wednesday.

The Enquirer also reported that Elizabeth Edwards, who is stricken with cancer, was furious when her husband told her of his parenting plans.

Keepin' track of yer wimmin can be as tough as heardin' cats, so keep 'em all close.

Somebody is bound to say, "Oh, but it's the National Enquirer . . ." I still say they remain a reliable source, along with TMZ.

Compassionate Release . . . Of a Few Rounds, Perhaps

CNN is reporting on their broadcasting right now that Lockerbie Bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi will be given a "compassionate release" from his life sentence as he is dying from terminal prostrate cancer.

Scottish Justice Minister Kenny MacAskill "has informed families and other interested parties that he has reached his decisions on the applications for prisoner transfer and compassionate release," a government statement said.

Sky News, citing unnamed sources, reported Wednesday that al-Megrahi will be released from prison on compassionate grounds.

I had read earlier that he wanted to spend "one last Ramadan" with his family before Allah calls him home.

Really? Those people on December 21, 1988 on Pan Am Flight 103 were looking forward to spending Christmas with theirs . . .

Oklahoma Ain't OK for the Unborn

An Oklahoma judge on Tuesday overturned a state law that required women seeking an abortion to receive an ultrasound and a doctor's description of the fetus.

Her ruling also overturned provisions in the law that allowed doctors and other healthcare providers to refuse to take part in an abortion for moral or religious reasons, required certain signs to be placed in clinics where abortions are performed, and prohibited wrongful-life lawsuits arguing that a disabled child would have been better off aborted.

Because God forbid a woman make an informed medical choice. But then, it seems to me many of the "pro-choice" crowd do not even regard an abortion as a medical procedure . . . unless they are rallying to have our tax dollars pay for it.

"The ultrasound provision takes away a patient's choice about whether or not to view an ultrasound, and it requires physicians to provide information to their patients that the physicians do not believe is medically necessary," Toti said. "It's an affront to women's autonomy and decision-making power, and it's also an intrusion to the physician-patient relationship."

What a minute, how is having this information an "affront . . . to [her] decision-making power?" Rather, you are preventing the woman from having all the facts, which - *gasp* - might mean she decides to keep the baby and an abortion mill is out another $600.

Fuck you, counsel - you just want to keep women ignorant and down on the government plantation.

"Always Love Your Country, But Never Trust Your Government"

Political columnist Robert Novak, a diehard conservative, pugilistic debater and proud owner of the "Prince of Darkness" moniker, died yesterday after a battle with brain cancer. He was 78.

"I had a terrific time fulfilling all my youthful dreams and at the same time making life miserable for hypocritical, posturing politicians and, I hope, performing a service for my country," Novak wrote in his memoir, "The Prince of Darkness: 50 Years reporting in Washington."

"Always love your country -- but never trust your government," he would tell young people as they started out on their lives as adults.

"That should not be misunderstood . . . What I am advocating is to not expect too much from government and be wary of its power, even the power of a democratic government in a free country.

"Ours is one of the mildest, most benevolent governments in the world. But it, too, has the power to take your wealth and forfeit your life . . . A government that can give you everything can take everything away."

A son of Jewish parents, he converted to Catholicism at age 67 after attending Catholic services for several years.

Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord. Let perpetual light shine upon him. May his soul, and the souls of all the faithful departed, through the mercy of God, rest in peace. Amen. (+)

Rest in peace, Bob.

Don't Be a Mr. Softee H8R

IT’S a spectacular day at Harmony Playground in Prospect Park, Brooklyn, with children swinging and running through sprinklers. An “icy man” with his pushcart of fruit ices stands near the jungle gym, as parents look toward the gated entrance. A second ices vendor enters, also setting up shop inside the playground’s cast-iron fence.

Vicki Sell, mother of 3-year-old Katherine, tenses when the vendor starts ringing his little bell, over and over, hoping her daughter doesn’t have the typical Pavlovian response.

Ever since Katherine had an inconsolable meltdown about not being able to have a treat, Ms. Sell has been trying to have unlicensed vendors ousted from the park. She has repeatedly called the city’s 311 complaint hot line, joining parents nationwide who can’t stand the icy man or his motorized big brother, the ice cream man.

“I feel kind of bad about having developed this attitude,” she said. “I want Katherine to have the full childhood experience and all. But it’s really predatory for them — two of them — to be right inside the playground like this.”

Ya know what? I think little Katherine is destined for a life of therapy - and the accompanying victimhood - because of her libtard idiot mother. The one who can't say "no" and lives in fear of a THREE-YEAR-OLD having a "inconsolable meltdown." Last time I cheked the dictionary, if it truly was inconsolable, little Kathy is still harboring those feelings and will likely kill Mommy in her sleep before she starts kindergarten.

Predatory?! Lady, it's a guy selling ices. Instead of setting rules with your daughter - ya know, telling her she can one or two a week and for those days when she can't, having a special treat you brought from home - you want to f****n' SHUT DOWN THE ICE CREAM MAN!

NO ONE PUTS THE ICE CREAM MAN IN THE CORNER, B***H!

The late night ice cream cone, eaten on a sultry and hot Bronx summer night, when you and your family and your neighbors are out on the stoop because it's just too hot inside, is a long-time tradition. About 9 o'clock, Mr. Softee would come by and everyone would have "a little something." If Grandma or Grandpa weren't outside, Mom would have you run inside to see what they wanted. It didn't happen every night, but a couple of times a week.

Mama Sell "repeatedly called the city's 311 complaint hot line?" What a waste of government resources. Oh, but I bet she thinks it all comes free. Every village has an idiot and I just found Prospect Park's.

Hey, Where Did It Go?

I was reading this story and wanted to see the accompanying video of the college student stumping Obama with an Econ 101 question, but You Tube has taken it down! For a Terms of Use violation!

Anyone?

More Great New Yorkers

Meet Susan Porcello. She's a cop with NYPD. Ya know what they call the cops in Noo Yawk? "The Finest." With good reason.

It was in July 2008 that Officer Porcello, then 35, and her 68th Precinct partner, Eddy Ennis, responded to a 911 call at Gasper Musso's Bay Ridge apartment.

The World War II vet was a diabetic and had accidentally mixed up his medications. He had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

Porcello asked him where his family was.

"Look around you, kid. I'm all alone. I have nobody," he replied.

"I said, 'What do you mean you have nobody? I'm here now. I'll be your friend. You're going to be my grandpa now' " Porcello said she told him.

She was a regular visitor at the hospital, keeping him company, helping him pay his bills and bringing him newspapers.

When Musso died on Nov. 15, she carried out his dearest wish -- to be buried near his mother on Staten Island -- and paid for the funeral and headstone.

I'm sending her a card, just to say she made my day.

Oh Ruby, Don't Take Your Gun Uptown

The thugs entered a world of hurt when they barged into Augusto's Harlem restaurant-supply shop, Kaplan Bros. Blue Flame Corp., Thursday afternoon, pulling out a 9mm pistol and pistol-whipping an employee as they demanded cash.

"I told them there wasn't any money. 'Take your gun, put it in your pocket, and go home.' They had a chance to leave," Augusto said.

But they didn't listen.

So Augusto, 72 -- known to most as "Gus" -- channeled his inner Dirty Harry and pulled out the Remington shotgun he had hidden under his desk for 20 years. He opened fire three times, peppering all four men with buckshot.

I'm sorry, you walk in and display a gun, no one has to wait around and see if you intend to use it for the purpose for which is was manufactured. Because by then it's two late.

Final score: two dead, two wounded - and all four were the bad guys.

"I had to shoot them. It was a tough thing to do," he said. "I have to live with that. I'm sad that there are mothers and fathers who lost sons."

But Augusto's beaten employee -- who would only give his name as J.B. -- had little sympathy.

"S- - - went real bad for them, not for me," he said. "I'm breathing. They dead."

I can understand J.B.'s attitude - when you're on the business end of a 9mm, you just see things differently.

Augusto and his employees tried to get back to business as usual yesterday, although it wasn't easy. When a woman came to place a candle outside the shop, J.B. angrily kicked it across the pavement.

"Who's this for?" he demanded of the startled woman. "For the guy who died? F- - - him!"

Sadly enough, I am willing to bet that given the locale of the invasion, the would-be robbers and/or murderers were Black, which means it is likely Al Sharpton will come out of the woodwork on this and cry, "Racism!" What would he have the owner do, install a silent alarm? When someone is in your face brandishing a gun, no police response time is fast enough.

But maybe not - the Post included a picture of J.B., here being hugged by an unidentifed woman.

'Cause That's How He Rolls . . .

If you are going to be an evil dictator, you might as well pimp your style.

Save a Horse, Ride a PETA Member

Chick fight!

I say chick fight because even if you're a man, if you are a card-carrying member of PETA, I'm guessing you're a little "estrogen dominant," eh?

I would like to express my outrage at a billboard I recently saw in Jacksonville, Florida.

My embarrassment turned to outrage as I was sitting at home contemplating that distasteful, disgusting billboard. I can’t believe that PETA would be so disrespectful as to use the terms “whales” and “blubber” when referring to obese people. I wish there was something I could do. I’ve already written to them expressing my outrage at their malicious terms and asked them to take it down.

Well, as most people know, in the mid of PETA, animals rank above humans. So I can believe they would, of course. And, true to form, PETA replied:

A new PETA billboard campaign that was just launched in Jacksonville reminds people who are struggling to lose weight — and who want to have enough energy to chase a beach ball — that going vegetarian can be an effective way to shed those extra pounds that keep them from looking good in a bikini.

I say NOW gets its panties in a twist and goes after PETA. In a wading pool. With jello.

By gum, now that would be funny, I don't care who you are . . .

Americana

Via IOwntheWorld.

That's Just Wrong!

Three sourpuss Parks Department agents put the squeeze on a 10-year-old girl in Riverside Park yesterday, slapping the tyke with a $50 ticket for hawking lemonade without a permit.

The father-daughter team was able to sell 10 glasses of the ice-cold drink for 50 cents each and the dozen chocolate chip cookies they baked.

But their day turned into the pits at 3 p.m. when the heartless pack of city sticklers iced their operation.

"They approached us nonchalantly but then surrounded us," the peeved papa recalled. "They were very hostile as soon as they approached, saying 'Where's your permit? Where's your permit?' "

The good news is that the NYC Parks Commissioner voided the ticket after publicity spread and said that the eedjust will be "re-trained on rules and regulations and will be reassigned."

Hey, when I was her age, I was making my summer money with a Kool-Aid stand (actually, I bought the cheap "Cheeri Aid" crap they sold at the A&P) up in Reservoir Oval Park. I was smart - I got a position near the basketball courts, where guys playing in full sun would throw me a dollar and say, "Keep the change."

Stupid parkies.

Baby Doesn't Need a G-String

Nor this POS that can be bought in sizes for newborns and up to 4 years.

For some parents twits, it's never too early to start, I guess.

"40" - It's a Number of Biblical Proportions

Now here's a lucky guy, I an Saunders, who got to celebrate his 40th birthday in his own unique style!

He's marking the transition to the big 4-0 tonight with a 40-course mega-meal, much of which he will prepare. Mega, as in the need for 640 plates and 240 wine glasses, which wiped out a rental outfit with everything but its Christmas settings. ("It's not like I had 640 plates in the cupboard," he said.)

And mega, as in the price tag.

"Probably about $2,500," he said. "I figure you only turn 40 once. 'What do I do when I turn 80?' is the real question."

Egads!

The only rule: The food must be French. (Saunders and his wife visit France every year, always staying in the same room in the same Paris hotel.)

Choosing the guests wasn't easy, said Saunders, who worries about those he left off the list. He chose friends who had cooked unforgettable meals for him, those who had traveled to France and appreciate all things French, and family members.

Still waiting for my invitation . . . waiting . . . je suis en train d'attendre . . . oh well. Besides, I have another installment today in a birthday marathon that's been going on.

Via Ace of Spades HQ.

Badass Badwater

I am trying to get more fit, but maybe I will pass on this one.

The Adventurecorps Badwater Ultramarathon is infamous in endurance sports circles. It is the running equivalent of summiting Everest, the ultimate test of mental fortitude, a hippy communion with the desert of epic highs and lows (literally -- the race starts at 280 feet below sea level, the lowest point in the Western Hemisphere, covers three mountain ranges for descents and ascents totaling 9,000 feet and ends halfway up Mount Whitney, the highest point in the contiguous United States).

For all the nonsweaters out there -- consider how long it takes to drive from Baltimore to New York. Now imagine running that distance...without sleep...with 10,000 blow dryers pointed at you the entire time.

Um, that starting point . . . that would be Death Valley, folks, where the daytime temperature can get past 125 F. The course is 135 miles long. Oh yeah, and it's also called "Satan's Fun Run."

Word on the street? Fr. Erik's doing it this year. In full cassock.

The oldest runner this year was 67-year-old Arthur Webb, who has finished 10 consecutive Badwaters. Race officials using walkie-talkies (there's no cell service in Death Valley) counted him out at mile 17 where he cramped and jumped in a pool to cool down.

Time, ice and a few massages later, Webb was on the course again, not stopping until he crossed the finish line more than 40 hours later.

The Woman Clothed With the Sun

Even if your diocese [like mine] has done away with the inconvenience of a Holy Day of Obligation, talk to Mom today. Her counsel is needed now more than ever.

Oh, And It's Bush's Fault, Too

Statement From The Chicano Mexicano Prison Project:

"Once again, major violence between Raza and African prisoners has erupted within the United States Concentration Camp (Prison) System, this time at Chino California State Prison. Beginning at 8:20 PM, on Saturday evening (Aug. 8, 2009), African and Raza (Latino) prisoners, in the most brutal fashion, slashing, cutting, hitting each other with anything that could get their hands on, battled against each other for more than 11 hours. Over 200 hundred were hurt, several were critically injured with severe head injuries or stab wounds.Blood was spilled by everyone. Many of those involved will be scared and maimed for life, both physically and mentally. "

"But this latest violence is nothing new. Nor was it the worst. For years, not only in California, but also throughout the United States, Raza and African prisoners have been at each other throats. Those of us who should know better –the social activists and so-called educated– should be clear about the root causes of this horrific violence that continues, unabated, decade after decade, and how it only serves to keep both nations oppressed and colonized; and most importantly, what we must do about it.

"While some refused to see or accept the truth, the reality is that the prison wars between Raza and Africans are nothing but the old strategy of divide and conquer, which the European (white) colonialist-capitalist system has successfully used against our people for more than 500 years. The 'hand of white supremacy' behind the recent hostilities should be obvious to everyone."

Huh. And here I thought it was because these guys are a bunch of thug gangbangers, who still can't stop marking their territory like a bunch of feral dogs even when behind bars.

So, where did they get the shivs to stab each other?

Boycott the Arugula!

Joshua has been taking the bus to his local Whole Foods in New York City every five days for the past two years. This week, he said he'll go elsewhere to fulfill his fresh vegetable and organic produce needs.

"I will never shop there again," vowed Joshua, a 45-year-old blogger, who asked that his last name not be published.

Like many of his fellow health food fanatics, Joshua said he will no longer patronize the store after learning about Whole Foods Market Inc.'s CEO John Mackey's views on health care reform, which were made public this week in an op-ed piece he wrote for The Wall Street Journal.

BWA HA HA HA HA . . . when stupid liberals "revolt!" The CEO of Whole Foods wrote an editorial where he did not come out against healt care reform . . . he just said Obama's plan would be too expensive and proposed his own. He has some very good points, including:

• Equalize the tax laws so that employer-provided health insurance and individually owned health insurance have the same tax benefits.
• Enact tort reform to end the ruinous lawsuits that force doctors to pay insurance costs of hundreds of thousands of dollars per year.
• Repeal government mandates regarding what insurance companies must cover.

But . . . all that is lost on these libtards. What they are obsessed over is the fact that John Mackey does not agree with Obama. And if John Mackey does not agree with Obama, then John Mackey must hate Obama. John Mackey is evil and so his company is just a pawn of capitalism.

"While Mackey is worried about health care and stimulus spending, he doesn't seem too worried about expensive wars and tax breaks for the wealthy and big businesses such as his own that contribute to the deficit," said Lent.

A commenter on the Whole Foods forum, identified only by his handle, "PracticePreach," wrote, "It is an absolute slap in the face to the millions of progressive-minded consumers that have made [Whole Foods] what it is today."

"You should know who butters your hearth-baked bread, John," wrote the commenter. "Last time I checked it wasn't the insurance industry conservatives who made you a millionaire a hundred times over."

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Oh man, now that's threatening!

Please, they will look around for some other place to shop and go there and have to mingle with ethnic types and get scared and sneak right back into Whole Foods. Because labels en espanol and mariachi music, or certified halal meat, or animals with faces, hooves, and snouts in steam tables is simply too Third World.

After all, these are "progressive-minded consumers." Lord only knows what the lead count is in that tamarindo pulp.

It's Safer in Cambridge

Get your Christmas shopping done early this year!

For Sale: 1 BD, 0 BTH, 1 Star - Please Do Not Disturb Tenant on Premises

The onetime Beverly Hills resident, who died 23 years ago at the age of 81, will be moving out of the crypt above Marilyn Monroe's resting spot at the Pierce Brothers Westwood Village Memorial Park cemetery. Poncher's wife intends to sell the crypt, said to have once been owned by Monroe's former husband, Yankee great Joe DiMaggio.

So although the plaque on Poncher's crypt reads: "To the man who gave us everything and more," his wife, Elsie, is hoping that he has just a little more to give. She wants to use the money to help pay off the $1.6-million mortgage on her 1 3/4 acre Beverly Hills home.

Elsie Poncher plans to start the bidding at $500,000 when she places the crypt on EBay, making it -- on a per-square-foot basis -- one of the most expensive pieces of real estate on the market.

When he was dying, Elsie said, her husband approached her with a request. "He said, 'If I croak, if you don't put me upside down over Marilyn, I'll haunt you the rest of my life.' "Right after the funeral, Elsie said, she told the funeral director of her husband's wish. "I was standing right there, and he turned him over," she said.

No one is putting me up on the shelf, thank you . . .

BTW, down a little ways from Marilyn and in the ground is Don Knotts. Okay, now that I could see, bidding on a plot next to him. Except I'd be a nudge for eternity, constantly poking him and asking, "C'mon, do Barney Fife again for me . . . c'mon!"

Bronx Pride

What does the Digital Hairshirt and the New York Yankees have in common? Bronx born and bred, baby!

The team facing Yankees ace A.J. Burnett a few weeks back at Yankee Stadium has to go down as the oddest in baseball history.

For one thing, it plays only at night. The players have no choice. Even one minute of sunshine can kill them.

They're from Camp Sundown, in Craryville, N.Y., and they live life on the other side of the sun. All of them have the rare disease known as XP -- xeroderma pigmentosum. If kids with XP catch the slightest UV ray, they can and do develop cancerous tumors. Even fluorescent lights fry their skin like boiling oil. Most of them don't live to be 20.

So how could they take the field at Yankee Stadium? Because this was 3 a.m. Superstar right-handers should be tucked into bed by then, yet there was Burnett, throwing Wiffle-ball splitters and chasing down line drives.

To get the kids out of the bus and into their VIP suite for the game, Yankees media-relations director Jason Zillo -- the man who dreamed up the whole night -- had to take them on a rat's route of back staircases and tunnels to avoid any fluorescent lights. After the Yankees beat the A's 6-3, the stadium lights had to be dimmed to 30 percent. Once they were, all the kids came running onto the field with smiles that could've lit up the Bronx.

They high-fived Derek Jeter, ran madly around the bases and wallowed in the instant carnival the Yankees had set up -- from the magician to the bouncy castle to reliever Alfredo Aceves strolling the yard, strumming his guitar while Cashman sang the Police's "Message in a Bottle." For one night, at least, these kids found out they are not alone in being alone.

So if you hate the Yankees and want to tell them to stick it where the sun don't shine, don't bother . . . because they've been there, with the kids, having fun.

Now, please excuse - I seem to have something in my eyes, causing a little watering . . .

Father Knows Best

Former presidential candidate John Edwards will admit he is the father of his former campaign aide's 18-month-old baby, a TV news station in North Carolina reports.

The news comes a day after the National Enquirer reported that a secret DNA test proved Edwards' paternity.

It's schlocky but the National Enquirer - and TMZ - has a better track record, IMHO, than the main stream media. If you recall the days of the OJ trial, the source of news that had the scoops was the National Enquirer.

Plus, I can believe Bill Clinton had sex with an alien. I know!