Hi, My Name is Stephanie R., and I'm Fat

[Ricky] Gervais, whose star appears to be rising in Hollywood, said in September that he felt ashamed of his weight and added that said overweight people should be branded 'fatty' to cut rocketing obesity rates.

He said: "I don't think there's enough stigma. With all the political correctness now, and the fact that food is so refined, there's no stigma any more."

"I laugh about being fat, but I should be ashamed. I should walk down the street and have people shouting 'Fatty!'. That's what I want, to get me out of it.

"I get up in the morning, look in the mirror, and say to myself, 'Oh, you f---ing fat b-----d'."

He added: "In supermarkets, the really fattening stuff should be behind a really thin door. Shops should be full of salads, but if you want to get to the pies and cakes, you've got to crawl through a little tube."

"If your arse is too f---ing fat, stop eating and go for a run."

This is one of those characteristics of the British people that I admire - their lack of hesitation with coming forth with their frank, and oftentimes brutal, take on things. Inbred bastards, I think they have caught on to the fact that we Americans have this odd habit of ascribing importance to things said with a British accent.

When I am in court, I am expected to manifest deference to the proceedings, such that if opposing counsel is stretching the truth, I cannot call him or her the lyin' sack of shit that they are, but instead must use terms such as "disingenuous." Whereas if I happened to have come over the Pond to practice law here in the colonies, I could say, "'Ere, now, m'lord - 'e's a lying bloody sod, en't 'e? I mean, for cough, and let me tell you wot's the deal . . ." Might not be understood, but the judge won't be finding me in contempt.

Anyway, I don't find the above bit by Ricky Gervais at all offensive. In fact, I think he's pretty spot on. I mean, I know why I am overweight - I eat too damn much and don't like to exercise, so I find excuses not to do it. Some of it has to do with my genes - coming from Celtic-Slavic stock, I was never predestined to play basketball or run marathons, at least not without steroids. But I could work at it a little harder.

I noticed today in the Sunday papers' inserts that a majority of coupons and advertisements were for weight loss merchandise. Of course - it's a new year and without the benefit of a formal poll, I am willing to bet that the #1 resolution is to be able to lie on the beach this summer without some damn Greenpeace activist trying to roll you back into the surf (I know, it happened to me, and his cries of "Live, Willie! Live free!" still haunt me). Even Oprah's upcoming segment, I hear, will be a carnival of self-pity as she publically flagellates herself for becoming a lard-ass once more (metaphorically, unfortunately, and not literally, 'cause I would pay to see that).

Listen, if you say, well, Digi, I am happy just the way I am . . . cool. Be happy. It may not mean that you are not fat, it may just mean that you are a happy fat person. Jolly, even, since that adjective seems to have become de riguer when speaking of people of girth. I am not happy with what the scales are telling me, so I have to do something about it.

So, if you see me walking down the block, please yell, "Hey, Fatty!" Sure, I might feel hurt for a moment, but be assured that deep down, in my heart, I will be thanking you, notwithstanding the repeated kicks to your head.

Oh. BTW, Ricky Gervais was taken to task by someone who likened his attack on fat people to be the same as if he attacked gay people. His response is priceless.