Danish Butter Cookies. You have seen those tins. Every Christmas, a local realtor hires a troop of teen elves to leave one on the doorsteps of the neighborhood. I enjoy getting it only for the sticker on it - it rpovides a status check on her personal life, having featured in the past her and the lap dog, followed by her and the husband and the lap dog, followed by her and the lap dog alone again, followed by her and the new husband and the lap dog, followed by her and the new husband but no lap dog, and now this year featuring her and the now-not-so-new husband and a grandchild. I see this a heartwarming progression in relational maturity.
"Moose Munch." What the hell is it? And why would anyone want to eat something that is deigned to resemble moose scat? I don't like Cracker Jack and I don't like Kettle Korn, so to somehow create a hybrid of the two and cover it with chocolate is an abomination. A greater abomination is when a friend - having shown the tin of it to me at Thanksgiving that he bought in as a "mandatory purchase" in a Boy Scout fundraiser - brings it back to my house last night as a hostess gift. However, given that this friend - who shall remain anonymous so as not to cause him any embarassment - has a short-term memory loss issue due to the multitude of accidents in his life and perhaps heavy drinking, I will forgive him. But wrap it back up to regift to him next week. This tin may start a journey back and forth each year between my house and the rectory of St. Joseph Church ad infinitum.
Hickory Farms "Gift Baskets." Don't get me wrong, I like cheese. But cheese that is perhaps one step above government-issue, mixed with cheap port wine and then rolled in nuts, to be spread on oily crackers and eaten with rock-hard and heavily processed rolls of meat? Mmmmmm. All that needs is a box of white wine and voila! Romance!
Strange Cookies from Cost Plus and other "international" marts. At least with Danish Butter Cookies, you know what you are getting. Butter. Sugar. Little else. But when I get the gift box of cookies with names like Hpfeneheisserschwarmermesiterbiskttten and has an ingredient list that reads like the index of an Ikea catalog, I just say no. And try feeding one to the dog. And when the dog won't eat it, then you know it is bad . . .
Mixes Presented in Christmas Mugs. "Christmas" hot chocolate. "Mulled" something-or-other. "Holiday" coffee. Look, I get confused enough trying to pick up a cup of joe this time of year at Starbucks with all the "seasonal" flavors that are added to what are time-tested and proven hot liquids for consumption at this time of year. Keep it simple. Put some milk in my Yuban coffee. Add a little peppermint schnapps to my hot chocolate. And keep the mug, because my cupboard is overflowing with holiday-themed mugs.
Feel free to add to this list. And please, this is meant to be tongue in cheek. If your idea of a good time is to curl up with any of these items and indulge yourself in such a binge, enjoy!