Poor Bastard of the Week Award

My aunt-in-law is also a family law attorney who brings justice to the northern portion of San Diego County with the Family Law Facilitators, a county-sponsored program. I remember her telling me that they would have a "Poor Bastard of the Week" award for the litigant they thought life had really, really screwed. Like the guy who had five counties garnishing his wages for child support because Baby Momma was out there doing all kinds of welfare fraud and there was no inter-county communication going on[1].

Recently, I saw a vignette where the moving party, I think, got the Poor Bastard of the Week Award, as well as Most Shocked to Find Crime Really Does Not Pay. And for the rest of us in the peanut gallery, it certainly afforded us Comic Relief.

Riverside County. A family law courtroom. A great judge on the bench[2]. A man gets up on his ex parte case - he wants custody of the children. Did his filing. Pressed his trousers and even put on a tie for the Judge. Gets up and argues passionately as to why he must take custody of the children immediately.

Seems mother was arrested.

While out driving.

With the kids in the car.

For prostitution.

Man sits down, smug smile on his face.

The Honorable Becky Dugan[3]: "Did I hear that right, ma'am - prostitution?!?!"

Mom: "Yes, your Honor. But he has an outstanding warrant."

Judge: "Why should I believe you? You're a hooker."

Mom: "Maybe so, your Honor, he was arrested awhile back and jumped bail."

Dad: "She's lying, your Honor!"

Judge looks at the both of them. Turns to her computer. A few minutes pass by and she turns back to the parties.

Judge: "Ma'am, how did you get here today?"

Mom: "My Dad drove - that's him in the back." Little abuelito smiles and waves at the Judge from the seat beside me.

Judge: "Good. Well, whaddaya know, sir - Mom ain't lying! You do have an outstanding warrant."

Dad: "Huh? So what does this mean?"

Judge: "It means, sir, you're going to jail. Bailiff, take him into custody."

Mom: "Does this mean I get to keep my kids?"

Judge: "Oh hell no, ma'am - you think I forgot you're a hooker? Grandpa, come forward - if I give you the kids, will you make sure Mom only has supervised visitation with them?"

Abuelito: "Sure thing, your Honor. My wife and I pretty much watch them all the time at our house."

Dad: "What about my mother?"

Judge: "You want the kids to stay with your mother?"

Dad: [now wearing steel bracelets with a beefy bailiff behind him] "No, she's waiting in the parking lot for me - how am I gonna let her know I'm arrested?"

Judge: [to clerk] "Get her cell number from him and call her - tell her it's gonna be a long wait . . ."

Moral of the story: Clear any arrest warrants you may have BEFORE coming to seek the relief of the Court. A suit and tie will only get you so far.

[1] Mind you, this case involved only one child. It is amazing how much mileage government bureaucracy will permit you. And yes, my aunt-in-law straightened out life for him.

[2] We are not supposed to suck up but I am willing to bet that a majority of attorneys practicing in Riverside would agree, the Honorable Becky Dugan friggin' rocks! Fair, smart and funny as H-E-double-hockey-sticks. Though not everyone agrees . . . (although note that this blogger moderates his comments, so I have to wonder how many positive reviews he lets through).

[3] Please be advised that I am paraphrasing, although it pretty much came down like this in open court. The rest of us were delighted to have such entertainment on a cold winter's morning.

Update: Ma Beck brought to my attention a video on law school I had not seen before, which is absolutely hysterical. Please enjoy.