Things could get violent. Sure, he's 6'4" compared to my 5'6", and he's ten years behind me, but I think I could take him in a bar fight. I mean, who would you place your money on, Irish cushla, family law attorney, and US Army veteran from the mean streets of the Bronx, or White Boy from "the O.C." whose idea of a good time is an afternoon spent at Frye's?
Those bells will ring again!
Update: Damned nuisance! I made the mistake of instructing Fr. J. in the proper means of answering direct questions in a deposition (don't ask why I had to do that, just know that the DNA test exonerated him completely) and he is now using my own tutelage against me and refusing to give me more than one-word answers! I believe the Lenten season might work against me, sadly, but it just provides me all the more time to implement my plan . . .
Another update: My reasearch confirms that the bells are indeed rung during Lent. Ah, Lent - a time to seek holiness and what better way than to be reminded of why we go to Mass with the sweet chimes of the Sanctus bells.
 For those outside of the Southwest, Frye's is this electronics chain store that makes Best Buy look like Toys-R-Us. Frye's is for the seriously geeky, the social misfits, the men for whom a pocket protector is a fashion statement. The final aisle before the checkout - no bull - is loaded with breakfast cereal, Pop-Tarts, Doritos, and packages of underwear and socks, with a cooler at the end containing Red Bull, Rockstar, and whole milk. I saw that and realized that there are men who can find all their needs met at this one store.
 Disclaimer: the implication that Fr. John participated in a DNA test was only said for comic relief and by no means should anyone believe that somewhere there is a 3-year-old that is already 5'11" and demonstrates a serious addiction to Carl's Jr. Bacon Western Cheeseburgers. It is only a coincidence that such a child lives in Paramus, New Jersey.
I'm a lawyer, trust me . . .
 And McDonald's Filet-o-Fish Friday specials!