Courtroom Hijinks

The Big Dog at my office sent me this joke.

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren'tprepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to thestand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bitpaper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was ayoungster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

I am always appreciative of legal jokes (please note - not lawyer jokes that play into false sterotypes), so send them on.

Sometimes reality itself offers it. We have one judicial officer who is, well, slightly eccentric and manic, and who likes to posture if they has an audience in the galley. I was appearing before this judge with a opposing counsel who had never been before them. The judge started in, and at one point said, "Now, counsel, I know you. I know you. I know both of you very well. You've been before me in this court many times . . ."

Opposing counsel spoke up: "Um, excuse me, your Honor - I've never seen you before today." I grimaced and ducked my head below counsel's table.

The judge stopped and GLARED at opposing counsel for what seemed like an eternity. Dropping their voice to a low growl, the judge finally said, "Well, I know your reputation." The judge then went on to engage in a 10 minute diatribe about lawyers posturing before the bench. Trust me, 10 minutes is a long time when you're in the hot seat.

Afterwards, opposing counsel, pale and shalen, asked me what that was all about. I just shrugged, smiled, and said, "Welcome to _______" (sorry, I ain't gonna reveal no identifying details). Opposing counsel shuddered and vowed never to return to that courtroom again. What could I do except suggest drinks, which counsel gratefully took me up on . . .