See Youse Guys Next Week

As only The Chairman can do it . . . time to reconnect wit' my roots.

Hey, Hey, Who Has Caught Up to Me?

Happy birthday to The Plant Whisperer!

I know how old you are, I know how old you are, I know how old you are . . .

FLDS Put the "F" in Fashion!

New this season! In a daring move, the FLDS have unveiled a stunning collection of haute couture, perfect for your next barn raising or wedding, or the one after that . . .

I read this morning that the ladies of the Fundamental Latter Day Saints in Texas have begun their own on-line clothing store, as a way of earning money and perhaps to show the world that they are no different from any other working woman. Each piece, they promise, is made with "joy and care." The only clothing offered are pieces for boys, girls and female teens, oddly enough.

Yes, I checked, and no, they do not include instructions on how to get the distinctive FLDS 'do that the ladies wear.

It occurred to me that someone should tell them that the big order coming out of Van Nuys, California is probably not intended for modest purposes.

This Ain't Kids Play

Archaeologists Recreate Aztec 'Whistles of Death'

Next up, they will be working on the "Slinkies of Doom."

Evil Mrs. Puff

Illinois Man Arrested for Extremely Poisonous Puffer Fish Toxin

A suburban Chicago man was charged Monday with possessing an illegal toxin found in puffer fish.

Edward Bachner, 35, was charged with one count of illegal possession of tetrodotoxin, a felony. He was being held in federal custody pending a detention hearing Wednesday.

It's not clear why Bachner wanted the toxin, authorities said.

I think he was planning to kill someone. Just a stab in the dark on my part . . .

Puffer fish, called fugu in Japan, is consumed by thrill-seeking gourmets once the poison is removed. Eating the toxin can cause paralysis, vomiting, heart failure and death.

Noooo . . . fugu!

She's a Dance, Dance, Dance, Dancing Machine!

Britain's first eco-nightclub needs peppy dancers to generate electricity

Britain's first eco-nightclub, set to open in King's Cross, will require
the patrons to dance on a modified dance floor that will harness the energy
expelled by the clubber's moves and convert it to electricity.

This is the same way you get those toddler sneakers to flash. Okay, maybe all the talk of being "green" can be annoying, but I think this is pretty darn cool technology. Because if you can have a dance floor, you can have a large high-traffic area also do this.

Who Buys This Crap?

Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee focuses on patriotism as his supporters question the military expertise of Republican counterpart John McCain.

"I will never question the patriotism of others in this campaign," Obama told a cheering crowd of 1,150 in the city where former Democratic president Harry S. Truman was raised. "And I will not stand idly by when I hear others question mine."

[Obama supporter and potential running mate] Retired Army Gen. Wesley Clark said on CBS' "Face the Nation" that McCain was "untested and untried" and hadn't held "executive responsibility."

When host Bob Schieffer said that Obama, unlike McCain, hadn't been shot down in a fighter plane, Clark said: "Well, I don't think riding in a fighter plane and getting shot down is a qualification to be president."

In his speech here, Obama sought to define patriotism, suggesting that military service is not the only criteria for patriotic feeling.

He mentioned that his grandmother worked on bomber assembly lines during World War II, while his grandfather served in the Army.

As a 4-year-old living in Indonesia, he said, his mother would read "me the first lines of the Declaration of Independence."

I call "Bullshit!" on that last sentence, especially since the woman is dead and cannot refute the claim. But I am waiting for Barack to refute General Clark's mean-spirited statement. Nearly six years as a guest of the Viet Cong - two of which were in solitary confinement - leaves a man untested and untried?

For Tara

Yes, Tara, they were all simply enchanting at the Corgi Fun Day, until we owners noticed they kept going into corners and conferring with each other, while looking furtively around. No doubt planning world domination, as corgis will do.

The Girls and I Would Have Declined, Thank You

This weekend, in San Francisco, during Gay Pride Weekend, at the annual Dyke Festival and March:

On stage, the Bomberas de la Bahia troupe pounded conga drums and sang Puerto Rican love songs. And Dr. Joan Gabriella Heinsheimer led the crowd in a mass breast self-exam. She urged women to join her and her colleagues on stage and remove their tops.

"Breast cancer is curable if found early," she said. "If you're willing, take off your shirt. Come on, girls!"

Many pulled off their "Be Visible! Dyke March" T-shirts and followed along as the doc conducted an exam on herself.

"Learn to examine your whole breast," she said. "Use three fingers and start in the armpit and go all the way around. Learn to feel what's normal. If you have a sense something is wrong, find a doctor who will listen to you."

After the exam, the festival continued with rock singers, belly dancers, men in drag, hip-hoppers and impromptu dancing on the grass before the women lined up behind their fabled dykes-on-bikes motorcycle cortege for the grand nocturnal march.

Hey, at least it wasn't a group Pap smear . . . I think they're saving that for next year. When every 13-year-old heterosexual boy in a 100-mile radius shows up to watch.

Heh-heh-heh-heh . . . she said breast.

Distraction at Church

We received a generous gift of new carpeting over at St. Joseph's Church. To the parishioner who made the donation, a heartfelt thanks. It's lovely. My problem started, though, when I was listening to the sermon and heard Fr. J. say, "It really ties the church together, doesn't it?"

Thereafter, all I could think about was the scene from The Big Lebowski where Walter says: That rug really tied the room together, did it not? and The Dude answers: F**kin' A!

Okay, so I amuse easily . . .

Here is the clip with that line. Be warned that the f-bomb is used freely and often throughout, so if you are offended by it, don't watch the video clip.

Upon This Rock

To my fellow Catholics:

Didn't today's Gospel leave you with a feeling of peace and security? I know it did for me.

Come Wednesday, I'm Outta Here

I might blog a bit from the road. Going Back East, as they say, to Noo Yawk and Joisey to see family. My muthuh. My bruthuh. Hey, my cousin hadda baby. Yoo know the deal . . .

Superb Street Photography

I recently came across the website and photoblog for a photographer, Mark Fleming. Really outstanding stuff and I invite all to visit and have a look see.

Stuff like that inspires me to try harder at doing better.

The bike rider to the left is an example of his work that I admire.

Render Unto Caesar

Some Mormons are up in arms over a letter being circulated by LDS leadership to its California bishops, which is intended to be read from the pulpit today and asks Mormons to suipport a ballot initiative to amend California's constitution to define marriage as between one man and one woman. Those upset say that the Church should not be in the business of politics.

It occurred to me that perhaps the Mormon bishops are upset that the State should not be in the business of the Church.

Answer to Cops Practicing Family Law

In response to worried comments by Kit and Gem, here is a typical waste of money for a client and time for a family law attorney.

Client has kid, who is 6 years old.

Client goes to store with her kid and Boyfriend.

Kid starts whining about wanting candy. Defying the adult supervision, kid reaches for candy.

Boyfriend pulls back kid's arm. Adult correction - read, stern "talking to" - ensue.

Client, her kid, and Boyfriend continue on in public, and several hours later go home.

Client exchanges kid with kid's father, Dad.

Kid mentions that Boyfriend "pinched" him.

Dad interrogates kid and decides what kid means is that Boyfriend "choked" him.

Dad calls cops.

Cops come and interrogate kid. Decide what kid meant is that Boyfriend "pulled his arm."

Cops tell Dad there is not much there, but then tell Dad that the child will be taken into protective custody and Dad will be charged with child neglect if he lets kid go back to a situation that is dangerous.

Dad panics.

Dad decides not to give kid back to Client.

Dad calls his idiot family law attorney.

Idiot family law attorney gives ex parte notice. Asks for sole legal and sole physical custody for Dad.

Next morning, idiot family law attorney attempts to convince judge that Boyfriend simultaneously pinched, choked, and pulled the arm of kid. Client's attorney laughs in open court.

Judge denies ex parte request and disgustedly orders a hearing on the same day in August when another hearing on the matter is scheduled.

Okay, so maybe the cops were actually practicing juvenile law - same thing.

Killing Yodelers is NOT a Good Excuse

The Orange County Register had a little blurb today about gun control laws around the world and mentioned that they are "strict" in Switzerland.

However, the newspaper did go on to point out that basically every man in Switzerland keeps agun at home for the universal and mandatory military service that exists in that country. Furthermore, it seems in order to buy a personal weapon in Switzerland, one has to provide "good reason" for it. Reasons that are acceptable include recreational purposes, hunting, and self-defense.

From this, I garner that if you are buying a firearm in the land of cuckoo clocks and chocolate, telling them that you are taking up serial killing, going into organized crime, or planning a little drug trafficking are not good reasons to cite.

Happy Fourth!

Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger, standing near the area of brush fires in Big Sur, which were ignited by lightning strikes, asks people not to do fireworks this year because of dry brush conditions.

Legal fireworks in California (shown at left in front of my house last year), purchased from stands - that are run by local Boy Scout troops, local Boys and Girls Clubs, Kiwanis, AVFW, etc. for charitable purposes - do not fly into the air and emit sparks and showers thereof in a radius of about 5 to 6 feet. We have been doing them for years in front of my home - on asphalt - on the 4th of July and a couple of hundred bucks of those is worth not having to fight traffic to get into a stadium to see a bigger display.

To our governor: girly man!

Obscure Music Friday

Song: Funky Céilí

Artist: Black 47

Why I Like It: On Saturday I hope to go to a Corgi Fun Day in a local park. Yes, Tara[1], it is as you expect - a group of Pembroke Welsh Corgi owners getting together with their corgis[2]. I actually named my first corgi after hearing this song - Claddagh's Sidhe Brigit, aka "Bridie." I loved this song because he also sings about the neighborhood where I grew up in the Bronx, which at the time was quite the Irish enclave. So here I am up on Bainbridge Avenue/Still in one piece but glad I'm alive.

BTW, unfortunately the entire song is not displayed here and I cannot find a clip in its entirety, but at the end, he tells his cushla to sell the Morris Minor and come over to New York, that he's got the biggest bed in his palace on Bainbridge Avenue, and that they can stay in it and make babies forever (which, given the location, would all be baptized where I was, in St. Brendan's Church, on Perry Avenue between Two-Sixth and Two-Seventh[3]).

[1] Tara over at Loved Sinner loves and desperately wants a corgi.

[2] Or "corgyn", to use the proper Welsh plural.

[3] The local way of referring to 206th Street and 207th Street.

Happy Birthday, Katherine!

Katie at 3 years old

11 years ago today, I was blessed by God when my lil' Moon Pie, my Dolly Girl, my own Katherine Frances was born. She has become a great kid and her Dad and I are inordinately proud of her. This summer, she is attending the "Junior Monarch" program at Mater Dei High School, open only to Santa Ana Catholic school kids who have just finished the 5th grade. She was going to go next week with me and her brother to visit relatives in New York but asked to stay home so she can participate in this program. Whaddaya think about that?!

The Horses Are Scared

I am sure that many of you have the local "alternative" weekly newspapers, such as we have here with OC Weekly. They are free and heavily populated with ads for cosmetic surgery (why people who live a liberal, alternative lifestyle would have such an interest in that is amusing).

I have bookmarked several national and international daily newspapers that I peruse for different prespectives and local news outside my own sphere. One is the San Francisco Chronicle and I was surprised to find this article in today's edition, as it is more in line with what I would expect from one of those alternative newspapers.

Or maybe I shouldn't be. Am I that naive?

Everyone loves a happy ending, especially here in San Francisco. Many say that the happy ending to a wedding is the honeymoon; fortunately for everyone in town for the biggest Pride celebration in the world this weekend, we've got newlyweds and happy endings a plenty. A whole city practically doubling its population and going on its honeymoon. We may, in fact, run out of dildos. The lube supplies could run short, prompting a citywide panic. The largest wedding reception-cum-honeymoon could drain our precious resources and begin the Great Strap-On Sally Famine of 2008.

No one wants to be caught with their pants down when their pants are down. White wedding, Pink Saturday — San Francisco has you covered. Get your eager beavers
and other bits down to a Good Vibrations (goodvibes.com) location for all your sex toy, book and video needs. Get cheap lube and marvel at the selection at Phantom, where the blazing neon "Lube 4 Less" sign is not a joke. While you're in the Castro, enjoy the generous selection of sex toys at the revamped Does Your Mother Know. And if it's gay porn you need, visit Superstar Satellite Video, where the selection exceeds reason and possibly the space-time continuum, and is well-chosen at that. Unlike in other cities, you can get safer sex supplies a-plenty at any Walgreens — especially the Castro location.

Once you're done getting ready for the literal bonds of marriage — or just the bonds of boinking — you can put them in action at BDSM club The Citadel. Friday night from 8 p.m. to 1 a.m., The Citadel hosts BDSM play party The Queer Playground, "a queer leather party for everyone of every gender who identifies as queer. Lesbian, gay, fag, dyke, genderqueer, genderf-, gender-bender, differently- abled queer, queer of color, trans, MTF, FTM, bisexual, pansexual, transsexual, omnisexual, questioning, intersexed, trysexual, whateversexual." (R.S.V.P. suggested, $20 admission.) Or, visit our local Disneyland of sex clubs The Power Exchange (powerexchange.com), which is actually not like Disneyland at all and is much darker and possibly stickier, but has three levels in which adults can play games of equality and bondage, alike.

So much for the Chronicle advancing the image of gays as "folks just like us" who are "just asking to be treated equally."

I remain of the thought that homosexuality is, in fact, a psychological disorder. I do not say that to mean that gay people are crazy and need institutionalization or electric shock therapy. I think, based upon my own observations so yes, my opinion is not that of an expert, that there are many psychological disorders in a vast continuum, and at any given time any - or all - of us exhibit symptoms of one or another. We must - and I use the term "we" to mean society at large - given the millions of sales generated by self-help books, the popularity of shows such as Dr. Phil, and the increased use of drugs.

I am just always taken aback, however, at the overwhelming public display of what should remain in the privacy of a person's bedroom by gays. Why would a person feel the need to define themselves by their sexual practice and revel in bringing it to the streets and scaring the horses[1]? No doubt we will see horrified accounts of what went on during Gay Pride Week in San Francisco this weekend in the blogosphere, but for those who think displays of military might are obscene, so too is a public mockery of what should remain a private expression of love between two persons.

[1] "Does it really matter what these affectionate people do-so long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses!" ~ attributed to Beatrice Stella Tanner (Mrs. Patrick) Campbell, English actress (1865-1940), regarding hoosexuals in the British theaters.

Vain? Now Don't Tell Me Those Are Your Natural Lips, Girlfriend!

From the humor section of The New York Times:

A Retort to Carly Simon Regarding Her Chargesof Vanity

Dear Carly,

Nice song. Wow, you really stuck it to me, eh? Yes, ma’am.

Jesus, you are one bitter woman, Carly Simon.

Listen, I’m pretty busy right now with high-profile meetings and social engagements, but there were things I simply could not let stand.

First of all, that party took place on a yacht. So the way I walked in was perfectly appropriate. In fact, there is a certain way that one is expected to conduct oneself in such a situation. I could explain but I doubt you’re interested. As for the apricot scarf and the tilted hat, again, perfectly appropriate for a maritime soiree. Look it up. I’m sorry you had a problem with that. Funny, there were plenty of girls that night who certainly had no quarrel.

Secondly, yes, I went up to Saratoga for an important horserace. And yes, my horse won, thanks to years of training and the hard work of all the people involved. Is this a bad thing? And yes, I did take the jet to Nova Scotia. I would do it again in an instant. Have you ever seen the total eclipse of the sun, Carly? It’s one of the most amazing natural phenomena one could witness, so, if I have the means to see it, I don’t see that as vanity, I see it as being fully alive. I also took 35 orphans up there with me, free of charge, but there’s nothing about that in your song. All right, I didn’t really do that. But I thought about it and that’s what matters.

Third, pursuant to your charge that I was with an “underworld spy,” I can’t discuss that. But I am known to spend time with wives of close friends. And what do I do with said women, Carly? Talk. Have tea. Catch a movie or attend a polo match. These women’s husbands are entertainers and travel quite a bit, so I spend time with them, because that’s what friends do. And sometimes I have sex with them. But not as often as you might think.

Look, we could bicker over these particulars all day long and accomplish little. My chief quarrel with you is more existential: I know the song is about me, so how does recognizing that fact make me vain? Honestly, if someone shouted “Hey, Carly Simon!” at you and you turned around, would that be a sign of vanity? No. It would be a simple recognition of reality. If the song were actually about Spiro Agnew and I thought it was about me, that would be vain. But your use of the second person (”you’re so vain”) combined with the details about the horse and the jet and the apricot scarf, leaves no doubt. So I’m vain? I’m not deaf, is more like it.

And a bit of advice: if you’re going to call someone vain, avoid lyrics like “I had some dreams, they were clouds in my coffee.” What the pot calls the kettle, my dear.

I will not pursue legal action, Carly, because I’m far too busy and, believe it or not, I still have fond memories of our time together, when you were still quite naive. I find naiveté enchanting. It leads me to make promises. As you know. But I do hope that you try to think a bit more fairly before you record any other potential screeds. Best of luck to you, regardless.

With love from your vain muse,Mick Jagger or Warren Beatty or Kris Kristofferson or whoever the hell I am

Be a Dad

We may be reconsidering how family should be defined. We may be confused about gender roles. We may be struggling with knowing how to parent well in a complicated time. But in the midst of all this confusion, there is a growing consensus that what kids need, at least, is clear. Kids need their fathers as well as their mothers.

This is an excerpt from an essay entitled Fathering in America: What's a Dad Supposed to Do? Good Stuff here. I am going to make copies for my office - I think it is required reading for both Moms and Dads.

Some lines that stick out:

Once you are a father, you are a father for life.

There is no time in a child’s life that doesn’t count.

Respond to the needs of the kids, not your relationship with their mother.

Kids need to have fathers who know both how to set reasonable, firm limits and how to relax and have a good time.

Both boys and girls need you as a role model for what it means to be adult and male.

Message to Cops

You don't play "family law attorney" when advising people in a silly6 ass dispute over custodial exchanges and I won't go aroudn arresting people . . . deal? Better still, just say, "You folks work it out in Court," and walk away.